THAT FUNNY LITTLE THING CALLED LOVE.

Time for honesty. Read on if you so desire.

As I walked home from the prayer room last night I realized something. The current state of life here on Transit is always playing through my mind. But, as I walked, the entirety of my time here spanned across my thoughts. Five months down. While those days are threaded together as a whole, I can hardly help but view them as two seperates.

At the end of November life on Transit changed. How I see it, our trip to Northern Ireland was the breaking point. Before that trip I was mostly content with being here. Things were going alright. I was enjoying my time. I was happy. I was having fun. And things were good for the most part. In stepped Ireland and with it came a chance to remove myself a bit from the group. As I stepped back, I saw frustration after frustration. When it came down to it, I realized it was mostly rooted in a lack of prayer. We were building our lives on what appeared to be an unstable foundation. That weekend changed my heart and changed my mind. Suddenly I wasn't content with how things were on Transit. I was frustrated. And I no longer enjoyed being here. The life seemed to be squeezed out of me. After an incredible time with the family over the holidays, I stepped back into life here on Transit. I knew I had to now put my words into action. I wouldn't just talk about praying more. I would do it. This brought about 3 weeks of fasting and with that came an extreme hunger for God. That yearning was planted in my heart and has continued to grow.

Through these last couple months, God has burdened me with the idea that our lives must be centered on prayer and knowing Him. As I see it, everything will result from that. The picture I have is of Him pouring love into our lives that overflows out onto the lives of others. This makes complete sense. Yet I'm left confused.

During this past chunk of time of intimacy with God, where has the life gone? Why has falling more in love with Him resulted in falling more away from people? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Why, as I crave God more and more, do I keep getting frustrated with the fact that I don't enjoy life here? I pray that I would have joy. I pray that my heart would be changed so that I would have an abundance of love for others. Nothing. Does this not seem like a huge contradiction and unexplainable tension?

As I walked back from the prayer room tonight, I was left with the question of whether I am needing to see that I can't love on my own. If that's what God is trying to get across to me, I understand. I see it. Now can we move on? Can I have an outpouring of love and an extra dose of grace? I need it and that's turning into my prayer.