THIS CRAZY THING WE CALL LIFE.

This has been an insane set of days. To catch you up to date, let me toss you some emails ranging in time from yesterday afternoon to this evening. Follow their progress. Read them. Think. Be challenged. Send me feedback.

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(Monday 8th January:mid-afternoon) So…an update on the situation here. I know I've expressed to many of you over the past two weeks how frustrated I was with what seemed like a lack of movement in the right direction here. Well, I had a brief glimpse of change coming, but that quickly faded away. Very quickly. And, now I'm left with more frustration than ever and am becoming extremely tired of fighting for what seems to be the right and obvious.

Here are more specifics. Over the last month, I've really been pushing for a period of 40 days set aside at the beginning of this term and new year to focus solely on the inward spiritual disciplines of fasting, study, meditation & prayer. Because I'm such a 'doing' person, I really saw this as an extreme way of breaking out of this & getting a glimpse of the power of prayer. So, I presented this to the group at the end of last term & it seemed like a likely idea.

Then, in comes Term 2. The new schedule of our weeks came out on Wednesday & our leaders decided to make these next 40 days ones with a prayer focus. It looked good on the surface. The truth, though, is that the rest of our schedules really weren't that much less filled than last term. So, throughout the week all that I am left with is half the day on Wednesday and half the day on Thursday to really jump into it. That's also no time set aside for artwork. I remember reading how these boiler rooms were places of studio space for artists. The description for Transit spoke of how there would be time to pursue after this. Seeing as my art is a God-given gift that I plan to use in big ways in the future, I believe it is vital to continue to develop those skills. No time.

I must also let you know that the last week and a half has been one of the most spiritually intense times of my life. For the last couple years, it's been my prayer that I would actually have the desire to whole-heartedly seek after God. During these last 10 days of fasting, the longing has come in a very real way. My heart cries to fully start with a firm foundation of knowing God. In all honesty, I don't feel like I truly know God's heart. I haven't grasped his glory. So, throughout these past few days, it's been even heavier on my heart to take 40 days out and just solely focus on seeking God without the distraction of service/doing. I've prayed again and again that this idea would go away if it wasn't from God. I still feel that drive to fight for it.

Over the last days I've also gained this incredible mindset for what ministry should actually look like. We were created for God's glory. Bottom line. We can't do anything until we come around that fact. Otherwise we're coming up with our own human purposes and agendas. It's what the Church has fallen into. And, that's what I see here. So, I'm determined to know God. That has to be the basis of it all. Christ has invited us to team with him in his work in this world and yet we can't reflect his love unless we know it. I don't truly believe I know that love. That must change.

Today I met with one of my leaders, "Joe." I expressed how this whole longing to set aside time apart from service is obviously not from me. I've never had this desire in my life because I'm so focused on filling my life with doing stuff. But, the longing is here. His response was that there is no way I could take 40 days and set them aside without doing any service. He informed me that we have too close of ties with the youth ministry, east to west, so that's not possible. His question was, "Wouldn't you feel like you were missing something if you had no outward focus?" I feel trapped and limited by this schedule they've given me. I'm crying out to have more time to long after and know God. Their response: sorry…that's too bad.

So, now, here I am. I feel as if I'm in a place that is putting agendas and ministries and plans above knowing God. We had a discussion today about the Church and what it is. A rather lengthy discussion. I presented many of these new ideas I've had. Pretty much everyone else seems to be in the boat that prayer and service are equal, you can't separate them or have one without the other. While this is true to an extent, I don't believe we can effectively serve without knowing and loving God. That MUST come first! And, people just don't understand that.

What I'm left with is the honest question of whether I should be using valuable time and money to be in a place such as this. It seems to be so limiting to me…as if my heart is running full speed towards God and I keep slamming into these walls that people are setting up. I want and need your guys' honest feedback on this. Please. Doesn't this seem extremely bizarre to you, seeing as it's all a part of 24-7Prayer…a PRAYER movement?! Honestly tell me if my ideas are off. And pray for this whole situation. Tomorrow I have a brief meeting with Tim, the leader of Transit. At the end of last term, I thought he understood my approach, but after helping schedule this term and then hearing his view on the Church, I'm beginning to doubt.

Thanks for reading. Much love to each of you from the UK!

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Update #2…2 hours later...

Upon sending that last email, I went into my room, bowed down on my knees & buried my face into the floor. And I wept. And for the first time in my life I felt like God's Spirit was weeping within me.

Here's what I realize. God has given me this burning heart to see transformation. I am confident that this is not of myself because I am all about coming up with my own plans and ways of doing things and having them nicely arranged and organized and figured out. But my heart is screaming to trust God with His plans. It's a radical approach…a start from prayer and knowing God.

So I go to Transit and ask, what if this was an answer…what if this was a solution to why we're living such ineffective lives. What if we tried this? What if we had a new approach to our service? What if we saw our plans in light of knowing God's heart? What if this is what I need to see change in my own life?

And the feedback I receive: refusal. I'm sorry…we're tied down to this and this and this…we have our own programs and agendas…this is how it is here.

And I'm left with confusion. Am I off the mark? Despite the prayers to weed away the selfishness, are these my own prideful thoughts? Why is this so heavy on my heart?

Is this a program about God's glory? Or is it a program that is seeking to transform lives through their own set plans and strategies?

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Update #3…a day later…

I just got back from meeting with Tim. I am now left with a renewed hope in life, Transit, leadership in general and God. What was said was not at all what I was expecting…or honestly wanted. But, I am confident that this is what I needed to hear.

First things first, the schedule will not change. There will be no 40 days without service. These next days will not be a time when I will necessarily physically see what birthing my service in prayer means. I will not be able to get rid of all those ‘doing’ distractions. That is something that is rooted much deeper than Transit or 24-7. It is based on east to west, the charity that is over the boiler room. As I now understand it, they are the ones in charge. Tim told us yesterday that we wouldn’t be able to have 40 days without doing anything. Today he told me that when he said that he really wanted to say, “I’m sorry.” He has leadership above him that he must obey. That’s the way it has to be right now. Pray that that would change.

I know I expressed the frustration of the lack of time to pursue art during my time here. There’s no question that this will change. I’m going to go with Tim into London on Friday to look at the boiler room there as it supposedly has an ample number of rooms that would be perfect for studio space.

The big thing Tim told me today was that he believes I have a prophetic message. This is a message that must be told. And he told me that it’s a message that must be pushed in. It’s huge and God’s heart is behind it. He feels like the message is for here. He feels like it’s for people like east to west. He feels it’s for people like Transit. But he also says that I have to question that. He says that I must really dive into prayer and question whether this message is for someone else. If it is for them at this moment in time, then maybe I need to move on and declare this message to them. But, Tim’s opinion was that God has planted this message in my heart and he is using this time to mold me. It is a message that I must carry wherever I find myself in the world in September and in the next 50 years.

A big thing to think about. I think this might be vital for some of you back home as well (a.k.a. “Illuminate”). This was the last thought/challenge Tim placed in my mind as he dropped me off a few minutes ago. It is this: Is this message that I have seemed to be given being preached out of a place of love? Could that be a missing link? We’re told that if we’re not doing things out of love than it’s like a gong or clanging cymbal. Is this the reason we’re hearing these clashes from the people we’re trying to get the message across to? We need to probably first be praying for a radical love for them. Otherwise it’s just preaching AT them. We’re a shepherd with no sheep. Love for others is key and goes hand in hand with loving God. This is probably the hardest part. But it could be the missing link.

Thank you all so much for your prayers in this desperate time. God is faithful! The hard times are by no means over. But, like I said, there is a renewed hope.

Much love,
Aaron